Father Tim Lemlin
Saint Francis of Assisi once told one of his companions that we face two deaths in our lives. The first, he said, is much more difficult than the second. The first death to which Francis was referring, I believe, is captured by Thomas Merton and others in the concept of the false-self. The second death is connected in that it is the death of our physical body. The false-self, then, is everything that doesn't survive the grave. This includes the body, our reputation, our successes and failures, our possessions, our popularity, our fame and infamy, and everything else that we so desperately seek to accumulate in this life perishes in the grave.
I suspect the reason why Saint Francis says that the first death (the death of the false-self) is more difficult is because if the false-self doesn't die before the body dies (our physical death), the fear of death will drive us throughout our lives in a frantic and panicked frenzy to prove to ourselves (and others) that "death is not an option for me." The advertising business has used this understanding of the human condition to sell countless products. When death is not an option, life is missed and never enjoyed.
The ultimate fear that causes frenetic activity to put off death seems to manifest itself in the demon called rejection. Our fear of rejection, especially from God, is a fear that is usually based upon our experiences of being rejected (real or imagined) by other people and sometimes even ourselves. This fear punishes us to do something that will survive the grave. It drives us to convince ourselves that we are not rejected - that we can't be rejected - and puts us on the offensive to prove that rejection is not a possibility for me. "I am indispensable," becomes our desperate goal - our god.
The ways in which we prove our indispensability are varied but usually include making others dependent upon us, manipulating situations, ourselves and others to make it at lease appear that I am needed, accumulating stuff (a reputation, money, possessions, successes), and refusing to allow another to love me. Then, life brings to us that we are not indispensable (a death, a failure, a disease, youthful energy dissipating), but we refuse to see and we re-double our efforts to be indispensable, always being driven by the fear that we will be rejected unless we can keep proving that we are too valuable to be rejected. (Isn't most of our society based upon this way of life?)
This fear of rejection is demonstrated also by the belief that for me to be accepted (by God) you have to be rejected. It is the either-or way of thinking that continues in our day that justifies people killing other people in the name of God. "Obviously," we say to ourselves, "someone must be rejected if being accepted is to prove my importance." Being accepted (chosen) then is transformed from being servants of a gift received to being guardians (protectors) of an earned right. We see this throughout history in the arrogant attitude of countries and churches, including the country in which we presently live and the church in which we presently worship.
The first death that we must experience (on this side of the grave or on the other side of the grave) is our fear of rejection. This is not easy. Nor is it something we can do by ourselves. It seems that love, which is at the heart of the universe, needs to unexpectedly capture our attention. Hopefully, however imperfectly, we come to experience this love when we are most susceptible to receive it - as a child. Unfortunately, this is not always reality. Hope is not lost however, if during our childhood love was not experienced or a sense of abandonment was forced upon us by the abuse of another. Love never gives up.
Saint Francis goes on to tell his companion that once we experience our first death, the second is easy. Fear is driven out by love. The feast of All Souls tells us that love doesn't abandon us once our physical body dies. It continues to seek ways to help us accept the gift of God's acceptance and the death of our fear of rejection.
