Father Tim Lemlin
This is not a feeling that we readily accept, so we try to find ways to get back to our initial experience of God … when things felt positive and good. We hold onto memories and examine our lives to see why we don't have these wonderful experiences anymore. When we do have an encounter we can't imagine why we don't feel wonderful about ourselves. We then might try to manufacture these previous "positive" experiences. When this doesn't work, we can begin to become restless, gravitating toward those things that give us a rush… even though it might only be momentary. (We can find examples of this in our own society with people who abuse drugs and alcohol, or with people who flock to sporting events because it makes them feel that they are participating in something important by being part of such a large crowd.)
The experience of Isaiah, Peter, James and John is not a pleasant one. Their feelings are expressed in the words that each of them speaks. Isaiah says, "Woe is me, I am doomed! For I am a man with unclean lips, living among a people of unclean lips; yet my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!" Peter declares while falling to his knees (a position of submission), "Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man." All have an experience of their unworthiness, and it doesn't feel good!
The events that bring them to these encounters are moments of failure. Isaiah lives during a time when exile of the Israelites is inevitable. Their kingdom is a mess. They are at best superficial in their relationship with God. The initial feeling of being chosen by God has led them to isolate themselves from others rather than becoming models for others to help them come to the realization (experience) that they also are specially chosen. Their sinfulness (unconsciously choosing to be separate from God and others) has consequences. God isn't punishing Israel. God instead will use the consequences of their sinfulness to bring them to a new awareness.
Peter, James and John have been fishing all night and have nothing to show for their efforts. They are tired and maybe a little frustrated. Possibly they feel like they have let people down by their lack of success - people whom they believe depend upon them to be successful. When Jesus tells them to "put out into deep water and lower your nets for a catch," it must feel like salt is being rubbed into their wounds. I can imagine the look of surprise and then haughtiness that must have been captured in Peter's face. After all, he was the fisherman. Jesus knew nothing about fishing. After telling Jesus in effect that he didn't know what he was talking about, they did move into deep water and lower their nets. The surprising catch immediately re-enforces Peter, James and John's negative feelings about themselves.
Miracles (St. Paul will refer to them as sign and wonders) are very helpful to initially introduce us to God. They are much like the attitudes and beliefs that we need when we are children to survive. Once they have served their purpose (to introduce us to God) they are no longer needed and become hindrances rather than helps when we continue to look for them in order to know that God loves us. When they are used as proof of love they become obstacles.
The experience of Isaiah, Peter, James and John of unworthiness (nothingness) is a necessary experience for us all. We can't continue the journey into God without it. It isn't something that we need to seek or bring on ourselves. Life will bring it to us, and when life does, the opportunity to encounter God in a new way will also be present. We might miss this opportunity several times - maybe even for a lifetime - but God's efforts will continue. God wants us infinitely more than we want God. All we need to do, with God's help, is to continue our journey that ultimately leads us in to God.
