Groaners

10 Puns - Don't Say We Didn't Warn You!

1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for Whom the Tells Bowled.

2. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out. So he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality; their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

5. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

6. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

7. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Lief off my census."

8. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides

9. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

10. By the way, the guy who wrote these 9 puns entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea -- one called Justin and the other called
Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by
sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to
Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a
shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious
cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold,
Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam
away, Afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply
swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that
his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out
swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't
believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back
into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he
is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not
involve a prawn cocktail -- it's much worse.) Looking around the
gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he
asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and
torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate
the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

"Christian replied 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark,
the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back
'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."...(wait for it)

....."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".

The church steeple in Port Gibson is very high and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half way down and, as the steeple was widening out, was taking more paint. The painter felt that he might not have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to make another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the amount of paint by adding some paint thinner to it. When finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked up to see the results of his work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked decidedly different. He was pondering about what to do about it when the sky turned dark and there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap.
Then in a loud, booming voice from the sky came the words, " REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE!"

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that:
Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.
"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.
"Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."
So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said. "I sent three boats."

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in High School. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.
Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?'
After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.